The Minimal Rationalist Hamlet

ACT I

SCENE 1. Elsinore. A Platform before the Castle.

BERNARDO at his post. Enter MARCELLUS and HORATIO.

Marcellus. Look, where it comes again!

Enter GHOST.

Bernado. Though art a scholar; speak to it, Horatio.

Horatio. I don't believe in ghosts.

Exeunt.

SCENE 2. A Room of State in the Castle.

Enter the KING, QUEEN, HAMLET.

King. Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death
The memory be green, we should think more of life.
Therefore, our sometime sister, now our queen,
Have we, weighing delight and dole, taken to wife.
What say you, Laertes and Polonius?

Queen. They are not here, my Lord.

King. And you, my cousin Hamlet, and my son?

Hamlet. Fine by me.

Exeunt KING and QUEEN.

Hamlet. O! that this too solid flesh would melt,
But since it won't, I must put up with it.
But two months dead! Still, he had a good life.
And now my mother, married with my uncle,
My father's brother: could be worse, I guess.

Exit.

SCENE 3. The Platform.

Enter HORATIO and HAMLET.

Horatio. It draws near the season
Wherein 'tis said the spirit held his wont to walk.

Enter GHOST

Ghost. I am thy father's spirit; if ever him thou lov'st
Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.

Hamlet. Rubbish!

Exeunt.

ACT II

SCENE 1. A Room in the Castle.

Enter KING, QUEEN, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN.

King. Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!

Rosencrantz. Thanks, but there doesn't seem much for us to do.

Guildenstern. So methinks we ought to go. Goodbye!

Exeunt.

SCENE 2. Another Room in the Castle.

Enter POLONIUS, HAMLET.

Polonius. The actors are come hither, my lord.

Hamlet. Oh, send them away.

Exeunt.

ACT III

SCENE 1. A Room in the Castle.

Enter HAMLET.

Hamlet. To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Well, obviously, to be. To sleep, perchance to dream?
Extremely unlikely, I should have thought.
Soft you now! The fair Ophelia!

Enter OPHELIA.

Ophelia. Good my lord, I love you.

Hamlet. Sorry, but I don't. Get thee to a nunnery.

Ophelia. Oh, all right.

Exeunt.

SCENE 2. The Queen's Apartment.

Enter QUEEN and HAMLET.

Queen. Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.

Hamlet. Come, come, and sit you down: what have I done?

Queen. Nothing actually: I was making it up. But hark, what noise?

Hamlet. [Draws] How now! A rat? Dead, for a ducat, dead!

Makes a pass through the arras.

Queen. O! what a rash and bloody deed is this!

Hamlet. No, it was a rat. Mother, you must get some poison.

Exeunt.

ACT IV

SCENE 1. A Room in the Castle.

Enter KING, QUEEN, HAMLET, OPHELIA, LAERTES.

Ophelia. To-morrow is Saint Valentine's Day

Hamlet. Yes, that's right: you're obviously not mad.
I suppose I'd better fight Laertes. Give us the foils.

Queen. The queen carouses to the thy fortune, Hamlet.

Hamlet. Good madam!

King. Gertrude, do not drink.
It is the poison'd cup; that rat poison you bought.

Queen. Gosh, silly me! Thanks a bunch.

Laertes. My lord, I'll hit him now.

Hamlet. I'm bored with this. Let's stop and drink instead.

Laertes. What a good idea.

Exeunt, carousing.